yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
