My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
