It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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