i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dear god my vagina.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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