I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize