happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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