im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
there's paper in my vomit.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
