Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
