im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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