dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
