for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
