He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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