In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize