omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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