my phone needs a breathalizer
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
