i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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