Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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