I'm jealous of your bromance
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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