Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
