dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
