I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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