At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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