He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
