how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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