He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
