what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
