you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
