so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
