the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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