i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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