he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We talked him into tasing himself.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
