I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
