my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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