I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
