you guys were way drunker than both of me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
