I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
