areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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