I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
