I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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