were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
