you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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