the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
