I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
