my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
