she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
