i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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