rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
