i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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