see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
