May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
