made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
