i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
