Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
