Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
