im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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