I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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