I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
