I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
