The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
